Krispy Kreme The Rapper’s Resume

Biographical Information:

Age: 21

Height: 5′ 2″

Hometown: Birmingham, AL

Street Cred:

Higher net worth than Jay-Z, Beyonce thinks he’s cute, has ability to punch a person up into the air like a kite even if they have infinite knives, ability to light haters’ farts on fire by gunshot, has made out with every girl in the world, has beat up every person in jail, has fought two lions, knows the answer to 2 plus 2, has been shot approximately 500 times, has committed 1 million crimes, has killed a great white shark, rode the Fireball at the county fair and wasn’t even afraid, was swallowed by an anaconda snake but killed it with a flick of his wrist

Material Possessions:

400 cars, 400 scars, 400 guitars, 400 houses, 400 mouses

Personal Reference:

Money Maker Mike, Beyonce

Retaliation Tactics:

Givings scars, throwing eggs at cars, cutting holes in tires, setting poop on porches then setting it on fire

After 6 Months Of Being A Vegetarian, I’m Still Alive And Well (And Getting Enough Protein And Fat)

This week makes six months since I last consumed any meat. Since most people I know don’t actually know a real vegetarian, I figured it would be a good idea to address some common concerns about those of us who no longer eat animals.

Getting Enough Protein and Fat: Six months ago, I weighed 158 pounds. Now, I weigh 156 pounds. So maybe I lost a petty amount of weight, but I’m no human praying mantis. I consume plenty of good fats from avocados, nuts, and olive oils and lots of protein from beans, whole grains, nuts, seeds, and green vegetables. Not to mention, I still consume some dairy products; I’m not a vegan.

Still Being Hungry: As I learned from the documentary Forks Over Knives, 500 calories of a high fiber vegetarian meal actually makes a person feel more full than if they ate 500 calories of a meat-centric meal. Whenever I am hungry, I eat. But if I am still hungry after a meal, it’s only because I didn’t eat enough food.

Psychologically Wanting Meat: Though proper vegetarians get more than sufficient amounts of their necessary nutrition, what about the the fact that it’s fun to eat meat? I admit: the thought of a big, juicy burger sounds pretty good. So do some fried shrimp and scallops.

That’s what’s ironic about this. I don’t crave or any miss chicken or salmon or any other kind of lean, healthier meat. I just miss the unhealthy kinds of meat; mainly the fried, high-fat stuff.

So I eat lightly fried okra or homemade baked fries instead.

The thing about psychologically wanting meat is it’s kind of like wanting dessert. You don’t eat dessert because you’re still hungry. You eat it because it tastes good and it makes you feel good.

Therefore, if I won’t allow myself to drink soda (which I never do) then I can also subdue my psychological desires to taste animals.

But for me, it’s a slippery slope.

So will I ever cheat? Will I ever have an “off day” and sneak in some fish and chips?

Here is what I’ve decided:

If I ever “cheat” and eat meat again, then I must also eat all kinds of meat from that point forward; including fast food products as well as pork and shellfish, which for me is taboo because I am kosher.

Since I know what I am not willing to go back to my old ways of eating, I know I will not eat meat again. It’s one big slippery slope for me.

It’s the “all or nothing” mentality that makes this thing work for me.

But speaking of cheating, something I love about being a vegetarian is the lack of “food guilt.”

At work parties, I can totally load up on some chips and dip as well cake and donuts and not gain any weight- Because I have no meat needing to be slowly digested inside of me, the “non-meat junk food” just slips right on through with my vegetables and whole grains; evidently.

Not to mention, by being a 100% vegetarian, I view it as my own built-in insurance policy against cancer, Diabetes, and all those other troublesome diseases. If all else fails, I’ll just go vegan.

If you are curious to learn more about how going vegetarian “shuts off” your body’s cancer cells, I invite you to watch Forks Over Knives on Netlix.

Please, don’t just take my word for it; instead see for yourself the death-sentenced cancer patients from the 1970′s who are now alive and well because of their choice to no longer eat animals.

Mandatory Vegetarian Labeling Could Prevent Us From Eating Castoreum, Scale Insects, And Pig Bones/Skins

I didn’t know there were pig bones in my Jello, bugs in my Kool-Aid, or beaver anal glands in my vanilla milkshake…

Gelatin and marshmallows = pig bones and skins

By U.S. law, food packaging must include the ingredients; but not “ingredients of ingredients.” If you are either kosher-abiding or vegetarian like I am, there is no real way to know for sure that you are steering clear of animal products that require the slaughter of an animal.

We vegetarians are no longer a marginal minority in America. Isn’t it only fair and appropriate that we can know which processed foods are animal based, and from which animals they are processed from?

Crimson Lake Food Dye = crushed scale insects

As a contracted writer for Parents.com, I have learned a lot about these secret “ingredients of ingredients.” In Why This Dad Despises Red 40 And Crimson Lake Food Dyes, I explained how red food dye is neither kosher nor vegetarian:

“Crimson Lake: Made from the powdered and boiled bodies of scale insects (parasites of plants) this dye is commonly found in yogurt, juice drinks, ice cream, and candy. Though I am a vegetarian, I still abide by kosher law, which prohibits the consumption of any insect other than the locust. Crimson Lake is also known as Carmine.”

"Natural" Vanilla (Castoreum) = Beavers' Anal Glands

In 3 Ways Kids’ Easter Candy Isn’t Vegetarian (Or Kosher) I told how marshmallows and “natural” vanilla flavoring are not animal flesh-free:

“Marshmallows: What makes marshmallows themselves so special? Well, it’s just that they are made with gelatin, which is comprised of cow hide, pig skins, and bones of both.

‘Natural’ vanilla flavoring: How can you know when a vanilla flavored food is made with actual vanilla or just castoreum, which is the oily secretion, found in two sacs between the anus and the external genitals of beavers? We can’t, thanks to the FDA.”

Even if you’re not a vegetarian or don’t care which foods are approved as kosher, wouldn’t we at least want to know what’s in our food?

I mean, exactly what’s in your food? Maybe we don’t. That’s the scary part.

The Men Tell All and The Final Rose- Ashley Hebert the Bachelorette

Ah, poor Ben.

"What if she says no? I just want to be there for you." -Neil Lane, the ring guy

The Men Tell All

“I love to coat my face with Vasoline before I go to bed.” -Ashley

“I’m a jerk.  I’m a jerk.” -William

“You grew your hair out.” -Constantine to William, referring to only a week’s time

“The roast was a mistake.” -William

“Before I came on the show, I bought a bunch of books.” – Ryan P.

The Final Rose

“I’m not nervous at all.  My family’s going to love J.P.” -Ashley

“Does J.P. make you laugh?”- Chrystie, Ashley’s sister

“What do [you] want with my little sister?” -Chrystie to J.P.

“Everything seems to be going swimmingly well with our relationship.” -Ben

“I was hoping for some helicopters.” -Ben

“What if she says no? I just want to be there for you.” -Neil Lane, the ring guy

“Good things don’t end unless they end badly.” -Ben

Constantine Leaves, Ryan P. Returns in Fiji: Ashley Hebert the Bachelorette- Episode 9

This wasn’t that funny of an episode, but at least I make fun of Chris Harrison’s honeymoon suites overnight invitation.  And that’s well overdue.

"We're still going to have a rose ceremony. Why?"

“Call me crazy.” -Ryan P. “The book’s not closed, unless Ashley says it is.” -Ryan P., forgetting that Ashley already said the book’s closed by sending him home the first time “We are giddy little school children.” -Ben F. “Oh, look at the water.” -Constantine “Did you think Bentley came back?” – Ashley to Ryan P. “We’re still going to have a rose ceremony.  Why?” -Dreamy host Chris Harrison to sunburned Ashley Okay, so I can admit that this episode didn’t give me much material to work with when it comes to making sarcastic comments.  But I do have an idea… The Top 5 Reasons the Honeymoon Suites Overnight Invitation by Chris Harrison is Literally the Most Absurd Part of The Bachelor Franchise: 1) How is it not trashy to sleep with three different people back-to-back-to-back? 2) What gives Chris Harrison the authority to tell people who have only known each other for a few weeks that they can share a room? 3) Aside from it being trashy to sleep with two or more contestants whom you may or may not become engaged to marry a week later, that’s beyond awkward and messed up for the remaining contestants. 4) Is it really any surprise anymore when each contestant reads Chris’s invitation?  The show has been on the air for a long time now.  There’s just no need to fake it. 5) If this show is about finding the right person to marry, how is cheating on them with one or two other people a week before you get engaged them possibly a good idea?