What Not to Say If You Want People to Like You 102: Assuming Intentions, Talking Too Much, Referring to Inside Jokes, and Interrupting

Exploring more unspoken rules of conversation, since What Not to Say If You Want People to Like You 101.

In this second installment of revisiting what we already know about communicating in North American culture, I’m taking it to the next level, peeling back the first layer to discover even more hidden (and less obvious) elements of being a good conversationalist and being considered a friendly (and normal) person.  And alas, here are more unspoken rules.

Don’t assume a person’s intentions by saying “you probably…” Though I assign “cliché status” to the joke “you know what happens when you assume…”, there is so much validity in it.  People usually don’t want to feel like they are being “figured out”.  So to assume that someone is not trying hard enough at something, for example, may not fair well.  Some people are slower learners but solid performers, and even better teachers once they do learn.

Refrain from using the phrases “it’s complicated” or “to make a long story short” more than once a month. If you do, there’s a good chance you talk too much, or say use too many words to tell a story.  If so, the listeners are often not fully listening to what you say, as they are really just thinking “get to the point already”.  If you find yourself about to say one of those phrases, stop yourself for a moment, long enough to think, “Okay, tell them the ‘edited for time’ version of this story, using 1/3 of the details as you’re used to”.  Then act accordingly.

Shorter stories help the listeners to become involved in a conversation with you, instead of it becoming a one-way conversation.  Telling stories is a good thing, just remember that if you preface them with “it’s complicated” or “to make a long story short”, you’re taking too long to tell them.

Never start a conversation off with “Did You Know?” unless you have already verified the facts. (Click that title to read more.) People who make a habit of this phrase typically follow it with urban legends and unchecked myths.  Therefore, their listeners tend to take them less seriously, especially when the listener immediately looks up their story on Google or Wikipedia.  Surprisingly, even the story how “granddaddy long-legs spiders are one of the most poisonous spiders in the world, yet they can’t hurt you because their fangs are too small to puncture you” is not accurate.  They can bite you, their poison does get into your bloodstream, but the venom does not affect human the way it affects their prey, such as Black Widow spiders.  Humans have immunity against daddy long-legs’ venom.  Check it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pholcidae

No inside jokes. If you find yourself referencing an inside joke with one or more people (but not all) in a group, take the time to briefly explain it to the uninformed.  Otherwise, you’ll end up excluding people, which will cause them to think that you’re cliquey, that you already have enough friends in your circle.  Most importantly, make sure you never say “you wouldn’t understand”.  Instead, help them understand.

Interrupting a Person Then Never Returning Back to that Point in the Conversation. It’s amazingly how many grown adults never understood the importance of not interrupting a person when they’re talking to someone else.  However, there are times when you must interrupt a person real quick to tell them something crucial, but this is not offensive and is completely redeemable when you say “I’m sorry, you were saying that (insert where they left off) ”.

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4 thoughts on “What Not to Say If You Want People to Like You 102: Assuming Intentions, Talking Too Much, Referring to Inside Jokes, and Interrupting”

  1. nick, thank you so much for the tips! conversation is such a part of our life that it becomes natural to do it as we’re used to. but these are really good tips. thanks for taking time writing about it!

  2. You’re welcome, Mink. But as I was writing this post, I actually thought how the rules of conversation might be much different in other cultures, like Thailand. You think?

  3. Nick, despite the age of the article, I thought you might be interested in knowing that you’re mixing up information.. Pholcidae are as a matter of fact spiders (aranae) but the arachnid on your picture is not a pholcidae. It’s a member of the Opiliones order (which means it is NOT a spider).

    This is why common names vs. scientific notation is so confusing. “Daddy Long Legs” is used for 3 unrelated arthropods. Namely, the Cranefly (Tipulidae), the cellar spider (Pholcidae), and the Harvestmen (Opiliones).

    Opiliones (on the picture) do NOT have poison glands.. and their chelicerae are not hollowed fangs but grasping claws that are typically very small and definitely not strong enough to break human skin.

    Pholcidae are harmless to humans. You did not read the article carefully. The Brown recluse spider is a member of the Sicariidae (another family – venomous six eyed spiders) which contrary to Pholcidae, DO have hunting chelicerae, strong enough to perforate human skin.

    One confusion after the other!

    So please… Never start an article or use examples before you get your facts straight (especially if you post the link!!!!)

    Best regards :)

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