The Men Tell All and The Final Rose- Ashley Hebert the Bachelorette

Ah, poor Ben.

"What if she says no? I just want to be there for you." -Neil Lane, the ring guy

The Men Tell All

“I love to coat my face with Vasoline before I go to bed.” -Ashley

“I’m a jerk.  I’m a jerk.” -William

“You grew your hair out.” -Constantine to William, referring to only a week’s time

“The roast was a mistake.” -William

“Before I came on the show, I bought a bunch of books.” – Ryan P.

The Final Rose

“I’m not nervous at all.  My family’s going to love J.P.” -Ashley

“Does J.P. make you laugh?”- Chrystie, Ashley’s sister

“What do [you] want with my little sister?” -Chrystie to J.P.

“Everything seems to be going swimmingly well with our relationship.” -Ben

“I was hoping for some helicopters.” -Ben

“What if she says no? I just want to be there for you.” -Neil Lane, the ring guy

“Good things don’t end unless they end badly.” -Ben

Constantine Leaves, Ryan P. Returns in Fiji: Ashley Hebert the Bachelorette- Episode 9

This wasn’t that funny of an episode, but at least I make fun of Chris Harrison’s honeymoon suites overnight invitation.  And that’s well overdue.

"We're still going to have a rose ceremony. Why?"

“Call me crazy.” -Ryan P. “The book’s not closed, unless Ashley says it is.” -Ryan P., forgetting that Ashley already said the book’s closed by sending him home the first time “We are giddy little school children.” -Ben F. “Oh, look at the water.” -Constantine “Did you think Bentley came back?” – Ashley to Ryan P. “We’re still going to have a rose ceremony.  Why?” -Dreamy host Chris Harrison to sunburned Ashley Okay, so I can admit that this episode didn’t give me much material to work with when it comes to making sarcastic comments.  But I do have an idea… The Top 5 Reasons the Honeymoon Suites Overnight Invitation by Chris Harrison is Literally the Most Absurd Part of The Bachelor Franchise: 1) How is it not trashy to sleep with three different people back-to-back-to-back? 2) What gives Chris Harrison the authority to tell people who have only known each other for a few weeks that they can share a room? 3) Aside from it being trashy to sleep with two or more contestants whom you may or may not become engaged to marry a week later, that’s beyond awkward and messed up for the remaining contestants. 4) Is it really any surprise anymore when each contestant reads Chris’s invitation?  The show has been on the air for a long time now.  There’s just no need to fake it. 5) If this show is about finding the right person to marry, how is cheating on them with one or two other people a week before you get engaged them possibly a good idea?

Ethnically Diverse Hometown Dates- Ashley Hebert the Bachelorette- Episode 8

Ames is an onion.  Constantine is Dracula.  JP Rosenbaum is confirmed Jewish by his bar mitzvah picture pulled out of the closet, thanks to his mom… only in a hometown date.

The Ashley Tab:

number of people who found my website within the first 24 hours of the hometown dates episode airing by Googling “is Ashley Hebert Jewish?”: 490

references to JP’s heart being broken: 9

references to peeling away the onion layers of Ames: 2

Ethnic Backgrounds of the Contestants:

Constantine Tzortzis from Cumming, GA: Greek

Ben Flajnik from Sonoma, CA: Italian and Slovanian

Ames Brown from Chadd’s Ford, PA: Irish-Scottish-English (in other words, “all American”)

JP Rosenbaum from Roslyn, NY: as it it weren’t already completely obvious, now that his bar mitzvah picture has been made public… very, very Jewish

Ashley Hebert from Madawaska, ME: French-Canadian (not Jewish); she did the “Sign of the Cross” on the 2nd episode, showing her Catholic raising

Odd Observations about the Rose Ceremony:

Ben: An unspoken rule on The Bachelor franchise is that you can’t get a haircut to the point of it being noticeable.  Even more important, you can’t get a noticeable haircut in the same episode.  But it was pretty obvious that Ben’s mop top, which was mentioned a couple times during the episode, was trimmed to the point of barely being classified as shaggy, as noticed in the rose ceremony.

Dreamy host, Chris Harrison: He wore a vertically striped shirt with a solid color tie that had one random diagonal stripe going across the top.  That’s sort of pushing the envelope for a polygamist game show host, for some reason.

Constantine: He totally looked like Dracula.

Who Ashley Sent Home:

Saint Ames

Fake Wedding Pictures in Taipei, Taiwan: Ashley Hebert the Bachelorette, Episode 7

Is it getting hot in here or is it just the water heater?

The Ashley Tab:

Times that Ashley cleans her teeth with her tongue during dinner: 4

“water heaters”: 4

“love lanterns”: 3

Number of veins popping out of JP’s forehead: 2

“dot dot dot”: 1

Number of pairs of men’s pink pants featured on this episode, thanks to Ames: 1

Classy Quotes:

“2011 minus?” -Ashley

“Constantine is taking this lantern thing seriously.” –Ashley

“I don’t throw around the L-bomb.” –Ben

“Ames looks like the offspring between an ostrich and Elton John.” – Lucas

“I’m freakin’ pumped… I’m sleeping with this [date card] next to me tonight.” –Ryan P.

“I’m on Cloud 9, Cloud 10!” –Ryan P.

“What sort of stuff do you do for the environment?” –Ryan P. to Ashley

“Have I talked to you about water heaters?” -Ryan P. to Ashley

“You’re my perfect guy.” –Ashley to Ryan P.

“You don’t want to meet my family?” –Ryan P. to Ashley

Who Ashley Sent Home:

Ryan P. and Lucas

Bentley’s Back in Hong Kong, China: Ashley Hebert the Bachelorette- Episode 6

You see, there’s this book called He’s Just Not That into You…

Ashley Tab:

Bentley’s room number: 4315

“Bentley”: 20

“dot-dot-dot”: 7

references to Ashley being “refreshed”: 2

free Hong Kong trips for Bentley: 1

unnecessary beards on Ryan P: 1

Memorable Quotes:

“I’m not going to mess with you.” -dreamy host Chris Harrison to Ashley

“Who is it?” -Bentley answering the door

“That’s a reaffirmation of us being on the same page, I think.” -Bentley to Ashley

“So this is our period?” -Ashley to Bentley

“The fact that I’m at home means it doesn’t look good for us.” – Bentley to Ashley

“Shush.” -Ryan P.

“It’s only going to get worse.” -Ashley

“Basically, I just want a friend.” -Blake

Who Went Home on Their Own because of Ashley’s “Break-Up” with Bentley:

Mickey

Who Ashley Sent Home because of Her “Break-Up” with Bentley:

Blake

"I'm not going to mess with you."